All respects to Rumiko Takashi, her characters are obviously not
mine, and not my property.
Baka gajin no Nerima
(The Fool Foreigner of Nerima)
Tokyo no Baka wa Bodukai
(Tokyo's Tournament of Fools)
Alex and Warren were busy getting themselves ready for the final
match. It was the two of them and Shampoo in a three way free for all.
"Well, this is going to be interesting that's for sure." Alex said as
he chewed on a chocolate chip granola bar.
"Oh yeah, don't think I will be making any alliances with you against
her, got it?" Warren said.
Alex swallowed the granola bar, "Okay, but that means if I see you in
a moment of weakness, I will exploit it with extreme prejudice." He
grinned a slight.
"Oh yeah, well I'll just have to return the favor." Warren said as he
socked Alex in the arm.
There was a very familiar <*clack clack*> noise in the locker room and
the both of them looked to see Cologne hopping in. She looked at Alex
"Very clever American boy. Two technicalities...since Ranma was a
woman when he landed outside the ring, he has no obligation for losing, and
since they declared Shampoo the winner by default, she has no
additional obligation because she won..." Her voice was stern as her big eyes
were very narrow and her wrinkled face was pulled into a most solid
Alex chuckled, "Well old woman, the best kind of correct is
technically correct. Now, is there anything else to came here to tell me or us?"
Colonge grimaced a slight at Alex's obvious lack of respect, "Only one
thing." She turned to Warren, "Good luck ban xue..." She then hobbled
off on her walking cane.
Alex made a thoughtful noise, then broken the silence, "You know, you
can't win this fight without getting into the same mess me and Ranma
Warren sighed, "You're right." But then the younger fighter smiled,
"At least I get the chance to beat the crap out of you in front of
everyone though, right?"
Alex laughed, "I suppose so, well, let's get going." He stood and
exited the locker room with his staff in hand, and Warren followed after
with his wooden straight sword.
The arena was a flood with activity and tension. Two gaijin underdogs
and one chuugokujin dynamo who was a ringer with both body and
technique. Suffice to say, since all of the hometown competitors had been
eliminated, they were glad to root for the only asian in the ring.
"And here we are in the last leg of today's tournament! It's been a
long and hard battle, but after several rounds of pulse pounding combat,
we are down to our last three competitors for the free-for-all brawl of
On that note all three fighters stepped out into the arena and
approached the mat, and were greeted with the ever-intense roar of the crowd.
"And here we have our two underdogs from America, Hansen Alexander and
Davis Warren! These two fighters have come up against incredible odds,
and are here representing the Alaskan Kenpo Karate Association and Iowa
White Tiger Kung Fu respectively."
With a sweeping gesture he motioned towards Shampoo, "And here we have
Xian Pu from Nerima, who has proven to be a vision of the perfect
female warrior, with quite a few nice moves if you know what I mean." The
announcer chortled lecherously.
"And now good folks is the fight to end all fights! Would all three
contestants please enter the ring. Good, bow to each other, fighting
stances!" Alex immediately took up an offensive staff stance, while Shampoo
had her bonbori ready in a definite crane defensive stance, meanwhile
Warren held his straight sword in a purely neutral stance.
The three leapt towards the center of the ring immediately, and there
was a loud clack as the weapons of the three met. Both Warren and
Shampoo had been intercepted by Alex's staff, which he quickly spun it
vertically to catch Shampoo in the left arm and Warren in the right, causing
them both to loosen their grips and release the bind on his staff. He
followed up with a roundhouse aimed for Warren's gut which the Kung Fu
artist dodged, as Shampoo came up on Alex from behind and clocked him
good over the head with her melon hammer, causing him to stumble forward
and clutch his head in pain.
_I can't lose damnit, no way am I getting married unless I say so!_
Shampoo made a follow up swing with her other weapon, and Alex quickly
ducked and rolled backwards, while Warren made a strike with his wooden
straight sword that had been aimed for Alex, but caught Shampoo in the
midsection instead, causing her to gasp as the wind was knocked from
"No fair going after the girl till one of us is done Warren!" Alex
shouted as he quickly came back to his feet and sprung after Warren, staff
tip pointed out aiming right for his friends face.
Of course Warren quickly smacked the tip away with his sword, to which
Alex followed up with a horizontal swing to smash Warren upside the
head instead, but his friend countered with a swift second parry and
followed up with a grip reverse of his sword to which he smacked the pommel
into Alex's sternum.
That hurt the blonde gaijin very much naturally, but Warren wasn't
about to let up, and switched his grip again and made ready to whack Alex
in the kidney with a quick sword strike, and nearly hit before his
target made a quick hop back and then a hop forward with a front kick
catching his friend in the chin with the tip of his foot.
The point-counterpoint brawl between the two American's captivated
their attention and the attention of the audience so well that no one
seemed to take notice when Shampoo busted open her bonbori over the both of
them. Just after Warren had caught Alex in the face with a backfist,
both of their eyes were suddenly filled with the stinging pain of high
quality hair care products.
<Jebus McGregor it burns!> Alex shouted.
<This is what we get for turning our back on a woman!> Warren replied.
Then the epiphany dawned on him, <She's trying to get the both of us
in one blow!>
<Truce!> Warren called out.
<Truce!> Alex agreed, <Move back...NOW!> Alex and Warren dodged
backwards and both narrowly missed getting hit by a very well planned split
kick from Shampoo.
<She's open!> Warren shouted, and Alex made his move, swinging his
staff like a mighty Five-Wood Club Shampoo was caught off guard, not
expecting her blinded prey to have any real bite, but she dodged quickly,
and made a mighty cry as she brought her bonbori down on Alex.
Alex was unable to dodge this time. He could hear the air passing over
the surface of the massive weapon, but he could feel time slowing down
as he knew there was no time to dodge. There was a resounding <*WHAM*>,
and the force of her strike knocked him out on contact as he smashed
into the bleachers on the other side of the ring.
"RING OUT FOR HANSEN! And he's out for the count folks!"
Shampoo was in the mean time doing a little victory dance, assuming
that the ban xue that she always viewed with a touch of contempt was of
no concern, now that she had for sure bagged one object of her pursuits.
Warren had finally cleared his vision and saw that he was in deep shit
now. He had two choices, lose and stay clean, or win by knocking her
out of the ring right now while she's distracted, and have her chasing
after him like Ranma.
<Ah hell with it...> Warren said, with that he charged Shampoo and
proceeded to break both her Bonbori off at their handles with his
straightsword, and threw his own weapon out of the ring.
"If you want to beat me Xian Pu, you'll be doing it with your bare
hands, no tricks!" With that he made a strong right roundhouse, which she
swiftly ducked and countered with a hand sword directed at his kidneys
which he parried and followed up on with a full palm push into her
chest. She only avoided damage by rolling backward and dispersing the force
of the blow.
She unrolled herself near the far end of the mat in a swirl of her
endless purple locks. "Cao ni! Xian Pu not lose to stupid ban xue now!
They be scraping you off the mat like rice that sticks to wok, ni
sishengi!" She sprung at him and planted herself one foot on the ground to make
a powerful vertical split kick that caught him right underneath the
chin, which left him completely open for her follow up, which was turning
the split kick into a downward axe kick that laid him flat on his back
on the mat.
"Bendan!" She shouted as she leapt into the air and proceeded to stomp
him in the gut, forcing all the air out of him, at which point she
pushed off him, adding further injury as she landed a good few meters away
while he clutched his belly.
"You draw all grandmothers attention, you make her scold Xian Pu cause
you so impressive for ban xue!" Her face was twisted in anger, and all
of the folks of Nerima had very rarely seen this kind of unbridled
hatred from the amazon.
Warren coughed a few times and stood up, "Sheesh, so I guess our date
is off?" He said mockingly.
"Wo Zenghen Ni!" She screamed at him. Many of the Chinese spectators
recoiled slightly at the very serious declaration of hatred.
"Then don't marry me!" Warren shouted back after regaining his wind.
Shampoo went completely florid, and shouted again as she charged him
with the classic flying dragon-kick. Warren dodged and Shampoo hit the
mat in another roll and sprung back up dashing at him full tilt, before
she could get to close though he quickly whipped out a swift right
handed back fist, which only phased her a slight. He quickly followed up
with a left back fist and then a right uppercut, and snapping hand sword,
and a variety of other fast attacks that were very hard for Shampoo to
block, but they were so fast that their damage was minimal.
Anyone who knew chi mastery would have seen Warren's aura start to
steadily grow as he worked his circulation into high gear, promoting the
flow of his chi. After he had made a swift sternum poke that had Shampoo
clutching her chest a bit, he swiveled his hips and directed all his
chi into the ground with a powerful stomp that caused the entire stadium
"AIYA!" The quake was just enough to knock Shampoo of kilter a bit,
she started to back peddle, and then ended up slipping on some of her own
mousse which had been used for such cruel intent, and went over the
edge of the ring.
A silence permeated the arena.
Shampoo was rubbing her sore ass after hitting the concrete stadium
floor so hard, and the she realized.
"D-davis...wins by a ring out..." The announcers shaky voice replied.
Everyone thought they had been rocked by good 6 on the Richter scale,
and then realized it was Warren that did it.
"Davis...WINS THE TOURNAMENT!" And despite the slight resentment,
everyone had to cheer, because damn it, that boy did it.
Alex had just started to come out of unconsciousness to see Warren
being held high holding the trophy shouting at the top of his lungs.
"Well, this has certainly been one hell of a day." He remarked, as he
looked at the pouting purple haired amazon, her face still an
absolutely enraged shade of red.
"The blushing bride, jeez...I can't wait to get back to Nerima." He
End Chapter 4c
Preview for Chapter 5
Shampoo drew the blade slowly across her wrist.
"ALRIGHT ALREADY! God damnit I didn't think you were so serious!" Alex