All respects to Rumiko Takashi, her characters are obviously not
mine, and not my property.
Baka Gajin no Nerima
(The Fool Foreigner of Nerima)
Tokyo no Baka wa Bodukai
(Tokyo's Tournament of Fools)
After the break was called, Alex was one of the first people running
out to eat. It was a hell of a lunch rush, he expected nothing less from
the City of Tokyo. The rhythmic pounding of feet would have been enough
to spook a herd of cattle all the way back in the states. Stepping out
into the open of Tokyo after becoming accustomed to the closed stadium
was still a bit of a shock for him. The towers of steel metal and glass
would have been blinding against the sun, if their brethren did not
afford such wonderful shade. Even at high noon the massive skyscrapers
could block it out with stunning effectiveness.
Ukyo and Shampoo had set up carts in front of the stadium, and there
love for customers sometimes ended up in bonbori and spatulas flying in
random directions. Okonamiyaki and ramen were nice, but Alex honestly
needed to find something that reminded him of home. Of course, being the
bustling hub of international commerce that Tokyo is, he was quick to
sight those familiar golden arches.
<*KA-CHING*> (Thank you.)
After navigating the masses like a skilled sea captain, he sat down to
his meal. Three cheeseburgers -ketchup only, no pickles, onions, or
mustard, bleh- a Super-Size order of fries, and a coke nearly big enough
for a large rodent to swim in. The sight would have been enough to make
anyone on a diet foam at the mouth, and this was just an appetizer. His
Blizzard Fury attack was hyper metabolic and he had to make up for all
those calories he burned.
Over all the murmurs and chatting and foot steps and other noises of
the city, he couldn't help but notice the commotion outside. Now this
was something aside from the city sounds, it was a heated exchange of
words. He ignored it and reached for his first burger ever so slowly,
almost as if he feared of scaring it off.
Alas, his meal was cut short. He could hear it coming and yet could do
nothing to stop it. There was a faint whizzing noise, then a shattering
of glass as a familiar black haired nihonjin sailed through the window
to land face first on his table, squashing Alex's hand and all of his
food. The pig-tail sticking up in response to shear pain told
everything. Following after was Kuno, bokken in hand, the crowd parting in his
wake, roaring some indecipherable battle cry
Tears welled up in Alex's eyes, blurring his vision.
"My food." He sniffed.
Kuno started to smash the prone Ranma, while Alex stood there
murmuring and sniffing.
"My food...my food."
Kuno cackled with insane glee as he beat Ranma senseless until out of
nowhere a powerful heel kick nailed him square in the gut and sent him
out of the restaurant. Already people were fleeing, as if Godzilla was
on another rampage -even though they'd already had their weekly
encounter with Rent-A-Zilla just that Monday-, giving the madmen plenty of
space, as Alex charged with a plastic tray and began to bludgeon Kuno over
the head with it, shouting.
The tray was surprisingly sturdy, but unsurprisingly, so was Kuno's
head, and the object soon snapped in two, much like Alex's sanity. So, he
had to grab a nearby metal sign bearing the kanji for 'stop', and
continued to beat Kuno with it until the sign was securely jammed on his
face. After that the blonde gaijin was ready to use the pole he'd gotten
the sign from, but Ranma was restraining him, dragging him slowly back
to the tournament stadium. The 'kinno' otoko was spouting foul english
language that never should be repeated in polite company.
Back at the arena, the berserk American was soothed with several dozen
bowls of hot beef ramen, served by Shampoo, who couldn't stop giggling
at the idea of medics having to pry the stop sign off Kuno's face with
With Alex properly fed, and thusly less homicidal, Ranma recanted the
events that ended him up face first in Alex's lunch.
"I was minding my business, trying to decide between Ucchan's or
Shampoo's cart..." This caused Shampoo to sniff indignantly, "...when Kuno
comes up and starts getting all high and mighty." Ranma's voice then
turned to that of a humorous mockery of Kuno. "Now that my victory of love
with Akane has been secured Saotome, all that is left is to drive that
insufferable gaijin into the ground, then you!" Ranma's voice went back
"That's when he started to laugh, that goddamn laugh that could spoil
milk. So I punched him in the face to shut him up. Then I did the
stupidest thing possible and turned my back on him, telling him he wasn't
going to be fighting me anyway, cause you'd beat him. That's when he hit
me." The younger Saotome nursed the swollen bump on his head. "Owww owie
Alex nodded and finished off a leftover bowl of ramen, "Figures." He
then looked at the smiling Shampoo and something popped into his head.
He leaned over to Ranma and whispered. "I just thought of something, if
Shampoo beats you, will that make you undeserving or whatever from
A familiar clack-clack echoed through the locker room. Shampoo turned
and bowed to the entrance.
"I heard that." Colognes voice emanated as she entered. "On the
contrary young man, if a Joketzuku female beats a male who has beaten her,
the male is as obligated as the female to marry, to the point where the
female will kill the male and herself afterwards if he does not accept."
Cologne's voice was something like repressed jubilation.
Ranma gulped, his face turning a sickly shade of blue, "You have to be
Cologne sniffed, "I do not joke about matters of honor or tradition,
future son-in-law. Hoho, perhaps it is not to far in the future though,
for either of you. Come along Xian Pu." With a quick turn and some
hopping, the old woman was gone. Shampoo couldn't hide that chesire grin on
her face as she followed after.
"Well I guess this Xian Pu is gonna fight seriously Ranma-kun. Best
watch yourself." Alex was obviously a bit shaken by the revelation.
"Yeah whatever. I've beaten her before." Ranma shrugged and walked
out. Alex wished he could share the wild one's confidence. Cologne had
some trick she taught Shampoo, otherwise she wouldn't be so sure. Well, he
had a contingency already setup for his friend, just in case. He really
should have worried about himself though.
"Welcome back folks! The next round fo competition will determine
which of our talented fighters will advance to the three-way free for all
A roar rose up from the audience, eager to see some more action.
"Our first fight will be Davis vs. Megami, but first, we'll be taking
sometime to talk to our semi-finalists. First, A-ko Megami." The
weasely looking announcer walked up to the firey haired onna.
"A-ko, such an odd name, did your parents really give it to you?"
"Hai. My mom is an American, and she named me. I'm pretty sure she's
where I got my hair from too." The ludicrously strong schoolgirl giggled
into the mic.
"You're obviously incredibly strong, everyone saw what you did to
Hibiki-san's umbrella. Do you work out a lot?"
"Not really." She giggled again. "I don't even eat well. I get it from
my dad I think."
"What would you like to say to everyone here and those watching at
"Hi C-ko! Hey B-ko, bleeeh!" She proceeded to pull her eyelid down at
With a collective sweat tear, the interview crew turned it's attention
"Well Davis-san, how does it feel to be the only other caucasian
American to make it this far?"
"Uhm well actually..."
"I mean, many fans have seen you and Hansen-san as sort of the
underdogs quite honestly. Not many thought you or him would make it past the
first round, what with Western tendancies against Eastern dedicated
"Actually I'm half-chinese." Warren stated flatly.
It became so quiet, the entire stadium could hear the cicadas outside.
"Excuse me?" The announcer was cleaning his ears out with some cuetips
he pulled out of nowhere.
"I'm half chinese, my mom is pure blood Han." He continued to say as
if he was forecasting the weather.
"Ah...I see...well, is there anything you'd like to say to everyone
and those watching at home?"
"Not really." With that, he briskly walked off to face his opponent.
The tension was thick in the air. Alex wondered how his friend would
fair, after all, he knew Warren had a way with women, only thing it was
the absolute wrong way. He seemed to aggravate them very easily, even
when he didn't mean to...sort of like Ranma.
He noticed Warren had changed weapons, going from his straight sword
to a spear length pole. The thing was taller than it's wielder, half
over again as a matter of fact. He noticed how strong it looked also, iron
bamboo he guessed. Warren obviously was going to avoid close combat
with the red headed jugernaught. What would happen if she broke the pole
though? He'd have more speed and mobility with the straight sword. He
was planning something, no doubt.
The fight began, with Warren charging full tilt, making a powerful
inward swipe at A-ko's mid section, which she avoided by vaulting into a
midair flip over Warren's head. He apparently had counted on this, and
did a horizontal windmill spin, which caught A-ko right in the head. She
went sprawling onto the mat as Warren followed up by twirling the pole
to gain power, and then started a downward swing that would surely
cause a knockout.
At the last moment, A-ko caught the pole with her feet. With a quick
twist she broke the iron bamboo shaft in half. Warren didn't seem
discouraged, infact he continued the assault with his broken half as A-ko
brought herself upright holding her half. The two met face to face, the
only thing separating the two of them being their weapons and their
"Not bad for a girl." Warren said.
"FOR A GIRL?!" A-ko shouted. "I'm gonna make you eat those words you
jerk!" She head butted him fiercly, causing him to stumble back, much
like when Warren had faced his first opponent. Either she was really
strong, or her head was even harder than Warren's. She quickly stepped
forward ready to deal another blow.
But, relatively unfazed by the head butt, Warren reached for the
unbroken end of his staff and tugged sharply. In his hand now was his wooden
straight sword, minus cross guard but including an iron bamboo pommel.
"A hidden weapon folks! How clever, he literally used his pole as an
over sized sheath!"
Warren charged, his chi flamming about him, and quickly locked his
'sheath' with A-ko's pole.
"Like I said, not bad, but not good enough!" Warren's chi surrounded
his blade. With a roar he made an upward sweeping slash which cut the
broken shafts clean in two. A-ko had already let hers go and was backing
up quickly, but suddenly the entire building began to shake violently
causing everyone but A-ko to fall flat. Then she noticed, with the
staff, her arm bands had been cut off. The girl made hirself still as death
much to everyone's surprise.
Warren wasn't one to pass up the opportunity, no matter how odd it
seemed. He made a kip up swinging his sword at the same time,creating a
force arc with his chi, which slammed the prone A-ko out of the ring.
"What an amazing turn ladies and gentlemen! Davis has pulled victory
out of nowhere. The doctor's are already cheking Megami-san, and she
seems to perfectly fine, though she refuses to move a muscle. Some kind of
mental attack from Davis perhaps? Oh well, let's all give Davis-san a
big hand as we prepare our next match, Kuno vs. Hansen!"
The crowd cheered Warren on as he exited to the locker room, while
nurses struggled vainly to get A-ko to stand up, telling her she was fine.
It was time for the match he'd been waiting for. Alex of course was
abit nervous. Kuno's battoujutsu technique was obviously an impressive
one. He just had to stop it. But how?
As he pondered, Kuno got his interview.
"Kuno-sempai." The haughty kendoist corrected.
"Uh..Kuno-semapi, you are famous throughout the Toyko kendo society.
What is it like fighting those of other styles?"
"The challenge is sufficient, but not enough for a rising star like
me. Next question." Kuno obviously liked to take charge of anything, even
his own interview.
"Well, we've seen many open-hand and bare fist artists, but we've also
seen many other weapons employed, from a brass man to a spear pole.
Your next opponent, Hansen-san, uses a bo staff. Think that will give you
some trouble, eh?"
Kuno laughed arrogantly, "Far from it. Hansen is a gaijin and barely
worth my effort. No more questions." He turned and walked to his end of
"Well there you have it folks, a pillar of strength and confidence. Ah
there is our other contestant entering the arena now." Like a lawyer
chasing an ambulence the announcer rushed over. "Hansen-san, how do you
expect your match with Kuno-semp...Kuno-san to go."
"As well as him and I can manage. A battle is the sum of both
opponents, not just the single value of one fighter."
"Eh, fostering some doubt, as well as hoisting philosophy to hide it.
If you win the match, will you have any problems going against
Davis-san, I hear you two are quite good friends." The announcer wasn't pulling
any punches with this 'caucasian'.
"On the contrary, him and I have been waiting for quite awhile to face
each other in the ring. I can only hope Saotome-san will win his match,
so it will end all of our disputes."
The announcer threw a really mean one out, "Lastly, do you bear any
personal grudge against Kuno-san?"
"None what-so-ever." Alex lied.
With staff/sword in hand, the two opponents stepped into the ring.
Formalities aside, the battle started with a standoff. Kuno started in
the same battoujutsu stance he had taken against Akane. Alex in
counter-point had taken a Kenpo reverse bow defense staff stance. He began the
mantra in his mind and let his eyes focus on Kuno's face.
Dragon rules the tiger. Dragon holds the tiger. Dragon releases the
tiger. The tension was reaching it's climax swiftly. It would all boil
down to action against reaction. They had just passed the peak...now!
In a flash Kuno lept, everyone had an idea what they were looking for
this time and they all saw it. He was sailing just a foot or two over
the mat like an eagle in full flight. It was easy to understand how
Akane had been caught off guard. His leap made it harder to predict where
you should dodge, and it could cause an artist to lock up while
A clack thundered, loud enough that several birds nearby were flying
away in fear. Many people outside had hit the ground thinking a gun was
Kuno had attempted an overhead strike, eager to crack Alex's skull.
His impatience had made him sloppy. His bokken was now binding against
Alex's bo staff. Each was throwing their full strength into the bind to
see who would falter first.
"It seems we are at an impasse gaijin." Kuno grunted.
"Indeed." Alex said bluntly, letting a slight grin form on his face.
"So why are you smiling? We aren't at school now, and I won't hold
back. You can't win." Kuno started to sweat, trying to break through
"You'll see. I won't hold back either!" Alex made sure to shout his
last sentance, throwing caution to the wind. He threw all his strength
into staff turn, creating enough torque to probably start ten prop
planes. Kuno was taken off guard as his bokken was pinned to the mat. With a
thud, the staff made a full 360, planting one end into the mat. Alex
used it for leverage and balance to start his attack. His feet were off
the ground in the blink of an eye and hurtling towards Kuno's face.
Kuno caught his balance and ducked, rolling forward. He made a kip up
just as Alex finished his spin kick and followed up by making a full
helicopter swing with his staff to catch Kuno at the ankles. The kendoist
hopped over the shaft with the best of agility, but he was so busy
waiting for a second swing he didn't register Alex taking the staff with
both hands. The Kenpoist drove the tip forward, trying to nail Kuno in
the sternum, a potentially lethal manuever.
Luckily Kuno caught on in time to bring his bokken up to parry, but it
wasn't fast enough. The powerful thrust caught him in left shoulder and
sent him spinning. He hit the mat with a satisfying fwump!
Hoping Kuno was stunned long enough, Alex lept into the air and made a
full somersault, gaining energy and momentum. A loud gasp was emitted
from the viewers. Alex stiffened up and came straight down like a spike,
his staff end pointing straight at Kuno.
The kendoist came to soon enough to noticing the plummeting gaijin,
looking like some daemon of war in his red gi, the reflection of the
light glinting off his glasses. He quickly rolled away.
Alex hit the ground like a cannon ball. The stadium shook lightly. His
staff was half buried, having punched through the mat and a good
ammount of the ground, with him currently kneeling.
"Whoa I think we all felt that one folks! What a close call! That
would certainly have ment a painful end for Kuno, and definatly
disqualification for Hansen."
Kuno stood watching Alex, panting, he knew very well how close that
had been. Alex mearly rose, leaving his staff embedded in the ground.
"Well, I wasn't really going to hit you I hope you know. To bad you
dodged. I was hoping the shock from a near hit like that would have made
you piss your pants and pass out." He sighed. "I guess things just get
harder from here on. Stop staring at me and let's get back to this." He
made an intimidating swivel stomp and took his Kenpo neutral bow
"Y-you think such a feint would faze the Blue Thunder, gaijin! Hah!
Without your stick you won't beat my technique now." Kuno reentered his
battoujutsu stance. Alex was worried, he'd have to dodge, or find some
way to counter Kuno in mid air, both very hard things as opposed to a
plain parry. He really should have just tried to nail Kuno when he tried
the attack the first time, but he'd been too arrogant.
Suddenly he started to notice a chi flare around Kuno, a weak one
admittedly, like Alex, Kuno knew about chi, but hadn't been able to master
it just yet. This would be a change from the last attack.
Kuno lept and Alex quickly dodged backwards, while Kuno called out.
"Hyaku Senpu Ken!"
He felt something. Like a punch in the gut, then one to his face, then
one in his ribs. They kept coming, striking all over. But Kuno was too
far away to hit him with his sword, how was this happening. As he put
his arms up and continued to back up, he remembered when Akane told him
about one of Ranma's early fights with Kuno.
"The air pressure alone from his strikes broke a solid stone statue."
He had to get out of the way; he was surely getting close to a ring
out. He opened his eyes and brought his arms up to try and see. He was
almost caught off guard as Kuno had halted his flurry and began a
powerful cross horizontal slash. He leapt up and over Kuno and landed behind
him, panting and aching all over from the assault.
"Coupling your battoujutsu with your flurry strike. That's pretty
clever coming from you Kuno." He said wistfully.
"Of course. I knew you'd expect me try a normal strike, so you'd
merely dodge it. So I used something you couldn't just dodge by stepping
back. Well, what're you going to do now gaijin? You seem to have taken
quite a beating from my Hyaku Senpu Ken. Why don't you just, how do you
American's put it, say 'uncle' and save yourself some embarrasment."
"Ain't happening. They aren't getting me out of this ring until they
drag you unconcious body off the mat." He spat some blood out. Lucky
thing his dad was a dentist.
"Bold words, prepare yourself!" Kuno charged and called out "Hyaku
The flurry of strikes came again, but Alex did something desperate and
down right zany. He threw himself forward, and started a ground roll,
tumbling across the ground while Kuno and his flurry went straight past
him. In mid roll his stuck his arm out and his hand grasped onto his
bo. Throwing every bit of muscle he had into it, he jerked hard, standing
up. Like the sword from the stone, his staff rose from the ground into
his hands. Kuno payed this no mind and charged once more.
"Hyaku Senpu Ken!"
Alex spun around and called out in return, "Hyaku Oofubuki Ken!" And
beat the first flurry blow aside and started his own. What it all came
down to was trading blows and parries between the two fighters. They
were moving so fast that the audience could barely tell who hit or parried
who. However, Kuno had an even tougher time, as the heat around Alex
from his Oofubuki techinque slowly made him blurry and wavey. After too
long Kuno was doing all the parrying and Alex's blows were hitting home
more and more. Then finally he called out.
"Oofubuki Owari Ken!" He drove his staff straight-forward and hit
touched Kuno's sternum light as a feather. But the rush of air that
followed threw him clear back, right out of the ring. Alex stood, sweating
profusely once more, but this time remained on both his feet, leaning on
"Hansen-san wins by ring out!"
Alex held his staff forward horizontally, and bowed toward his
defeated opponent, then turned around and exited the ring murmuring to
himself, "Just like I do everyday, jackass..."
"Well was that a match or what folks?! This tournament has been filled
with nothing but surprises so far, as two Americans have had the good
fortune to make it to the finals! And now we'll see who will be the
final competitor for the three-way free for all, with Xian Pu vs. Saotome!
It's incredible how only representatives from the Nerima district have
come this far! Now, will both Xian Pu and Ranma Saotome come to the
ring for their match."
Meanwhile, back up in the bleachers, Alex was getting tended a slight
by Akane. He had gotten a few small cuts in his fight with Kuno. He was
wiping a mix of sweat and blood from his skin with a wet wash cloth as
he saw Ranma step into the ring first. Shampoo hadn't shown up just
"I'm getting rea..yeowch!" Alex began to stay until Akane applied some
disinfectant to his wounds, "...really sick of that announcer making it
sounds like it's just luck that we win."
Akane put applied bandage after swabbing another cut on his arm,
whilst she remarked, "Alex, you should know by now that some people never
learn to get past the racial sterotypes. I'm sure you have the same
problems back in America."
Warren remarked casually, "Oh yeah, we've got it bad alright, Alex
likes to make fun of rednecks all the time."
Alex grunted as he moved a sore shoulder, "Hey I taunt based on
culture, not race. I don't have a problem with the people of the south, I
have a problem with the idiot supporting culture they've got. I will quote
Bill Clinton to a statement he made as the Governor of Arkansas, 'I
brought my State in Education from 50th to 49th.' I'm sorry, but that's a
southern state of morons."
Warren waved his hand in dismissal, "Yeah yeah you've got a point.
Hey, the fight's starting."
Shampoo had finally come out to the ring, she was carrying her bonbori
with her, but the way she was carrying them made them look a bit
heavier than usual.
Alex started to say, "Hey Warren, do you notice..."
"Heavier bonbori? Yeah she's got a few tricks in there, I checked
before we left." Warren replied.
"Well why didn't you say anything about that earlier?" Alex quirked an
eyebrow at his friend.
Warren shrugged, "You never asked."
Back down in the ring, the fight had begun. Ranma was still a bit
locked. Okay, he had to beat Shampoo, but that might egg her on even more
to come after him. But he knew that if he lost he was in REALLY deep
shit as well. He decided he wouldn't hold back.
Once again for his starter he pulled out a whopper technique. His arms
went into the projection posistion and he fired off his Mouko
Takibisha. Shampoo shouted something in Chinese, "KIKOU SHOU!" and a blue ball
erupted outwards from her hands, where it remained stationary, and
sucked air in as it pulsed brightly.
"Holy fuck a vacuum fireball!" Alex quickly ducked down as entire
stadium felt as if there was a hurricane in the center. "Where the hell did
she learn that?!" When the move was finished Ranma was staring blankly.
The vacuum fireball had completely countered his Mouko Takibisha.
Alex looked sideways at Warren again, rather menancingly too.
Warren chuckled, "You never asked."
Alex grr'd in a low tone, "Okay then, I'll ask now. What are in her
Warren replied, "Crazy stuff. All sorts of weird saloon stuff. What
for I have no clue."
While he was still dazed, Shampoo lunged at Ranma, swinging her
bonbori downward. Fortunately the Saotome snapped out of his suprise in time
to dodge back. However as her bonbori hit the ground, it shattered, and
Alex indeed saw a variety of bottles fly out. Shampoo began to use them
with wicked intent as Ranma dodged back. With hair spray she went for
his eyes, with mousse she attempted to slip him up, but then she made a
quick leap into the over his head, where she had tossed one bottle that
suspended in a midair spin. With a quick flash she sliced at the bottle
with her sharpened finger nails, and while Ranma's head was following
the nimble purple haired vixen, the bottle finally opened up over him,
causing a splat as a pink goo landed on his face and got into his eyes.
"AAAH!" Ranma clutched his face as the shampoo burned and and stung
his eyes severely. He tried to see but the hair cleaning gel obscured his
vision and stung even more when he tried to blink it out.
Meanwhile Shampoo was charging straight at him, her other Bonbori
being wielded with two hands as she obviously meant to club him clear out
of the ring.
Alex knew he had to act to at least help his friend out of one jam. He
quickly leapt up, high as he could, and just barely made it to the
stadium ceiling where the sprinkler system was. Be quickly whipped out his
lighter, which he always kept handy (never know when fire may come in
handy) and held it up to a sprinkler, and soon the entire system was
going off. Of course it was a while before the water hit the ground.
Shampoo was right in front of Ranma and hit him as hard as she could, using
her Bonbori almost like a golf club, sending him flying in an upward
arc where his body met the downfall of cold water, and when he landed
outside the ring, Alex was already back down in his bleacher seat, and
Onna-Ranma was lying on the ground past the mat with swirls in her eyes as
the water continued to fall.
There was a slight electrical equipment fritzing, which was all for
the better, no good if Ranma's transformation was caught and recorded on
television. After a quick evacuation, the sprinklers were turned off
and the audience reentered the stadium. At this point none of the
officials could find Ranma, not knowing to look for a young busty red head
dressed exactly like him, and Shampoo was standing in the middle of the
ring looking very angry.
About five minutes later the judges came to a decision and the
announcer conveyed it, "Sorry for that little wet spot folks, a glitch in the
sprinklers. But thankfully were up and running again here, though a bit
waterlogged for the fact. Apparently Saotome Ranma has disappeared from
the stadium completely, and thus Xian Pu wins by default! Now, we'll be
taking a short break as we get ready for the final action filled three
End Chapter 4b
Preview of the Chapter 4c
The three leapt towards the center of the ring immediately, and there
was a loud clack as the weapons of the three met. Both Warren and
Shampoo had been intercepted by Alex's staff, which he quickly spun it
vertically to catch Shampoo in the left arm and Warren in the right, causing
them both to loosen their grips and release the bind on his staff. He
followed up with a roundhouse aimed for Warren's gut which the Kung Fu
artist dodged, as Shampoo came up on Alex from behind and clocked him
good over the head with her melon hammer, causing him to stumble forward
and clutch his head in pain.
_I can't lose damnit, no way am I getting married unless I say so!_